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If you know a good hunting joke send it to the
Chapter Webmaster and we will add it to our
collection!
The Pope's Alaskan Tour
The Pope took a couple of days off
to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along
the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at
the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing
sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt,
was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free
himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a
group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum
into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding,
semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the
three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it into the bed of
their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back
seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope
summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!'
he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers
and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one of the
loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied.
'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may
have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know anything about bear
hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts
and get another one?
An elephant never
forgets
I
don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly
interesting...
In 1986,
Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University.
On a hike
through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with
one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe
approached it very carefully.
He got down
on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece
of wood deeply embedded in it.
As
carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.
The
elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe
stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually
the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe
never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty
years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son.
As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large
bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground,
then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering
the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the
same elephant.
Mbembe
summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back
in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one
of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the iron railing, killing him
instantly.
Probably
wasn't the same elephant.
A young blonde
woman was driving through
the Florida
Everglades while
on vacation. She wanted to take
home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well
then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
of shoes for free!"
The
shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well Little lady, why don't you go
on and give it a try?" The
blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day,
as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman
standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his
car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward
her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the
creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more
dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank,
watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and
manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes
heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP ! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT,
TOO!"
One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer was staking
out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. At closing
time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his
keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat
fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
All the other deer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started
his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He
stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.00.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The deer hunter
replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they
came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and
learned the mating call of a female deer.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the
costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing,
donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the
forest and into the clearing.
When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out
and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but
you'd better brace yourself."
Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That
night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an
ten-point buck.
"Where's Billy Bob?"
"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail."
"You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one, in their right
mind, is going to steal Billy Bob."
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working
out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your
wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but
quit what you're doing and go to the house." "I tried that," said the farmer,
"but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your rifle with you when you leave
the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the rifle and she will
come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "then deer hunting season
opened and I haven't seen her since."
Bruce and Bubba went deer hunting, and Bubba shot a deer. They started to
take it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made
the fur snag on the ground, making it hard to pull.
Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull
the deer by the rack. That way the fur wouldn't snag on the ground. The guys
thanked the man, and he went on.
After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. Bruce turned
to Bubba and said, "Ya know, this is a lot easier to drag now." Bubba said,
"Yeah, but we sure are getting a long way away from the truck."
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing: his
eyes are rolled in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow
my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence....and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on
the line, "Okay, now What?"
A car drives up to a farmer's house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and
the farmer opens it. "A friend told me you have a mule that points quail", said
the stranger, "is that true"?? "Sure is", said the farmer, "would you like to
see him work?" The strangers said, "Sure".
Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule suddenly stopped and
struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule and scares up a big
covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times...the mule points...the
farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, "That's enough, I've got
to have that mule". "He ain't for sale", said the farmer. I'll give you
$50,000.00 for him", said the stranger.
Well, the farmer couldn't refuse such a big offer, so he sold him. The next
night, the farmer's phone rang...it was the stranger. "What the hell's wrong
with this damned mule you sold me?", he screamed..."all he's done all day is
stand belly deep in my pond"!!
"Well", said the farmer, "I guess I should'a told you......he'd rather fish
than hunt."
As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he
is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to
attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator
John Kerry."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice
trade, sir."
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Alabama near
a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow
and took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral
procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed
his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
A couple of hunters from Prague are out hunting, and an enormous bear runs
up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters.
Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the
belly of the grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads
back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.
Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the
bear that's closest to them.
"No, not that one," shouts the surviving hunter, "That's the female."
"The Czech is in the male."
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook
a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into
Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched
in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the
far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and
bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane,
including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only
take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had
shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the
same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put
all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the
little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said
to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other
hunter. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"
A man takes his wife to a hunting show. As they
strolled through the show enjoying the sights they noticed a seminar on the life
cycle of the deer. They thought that this sounded interesting so they went in
and joined the seminar already in progress.
About that time the speaker stated that "A
dominant buck may mate 100 or more times in a single season."
His wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! 100
times in a season, that's more than once a day! You could really learn some
things from these deer!"
The man turns to his wife and says, "Raise your
hand and inquire if it was 100 times with the same doe."
Last year, two blonde hunters were driving through the country to go bear
hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read: "BEAR LEFT"
So, the two blonde hunters went home.
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One
evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look
for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight:
the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large
male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it."
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